10 Things I Learned from My First 10 Years of Marriage

In honor of our 10-year anniversary, I wanted to share a few gems I’ve learned over the past decade. Marriage is not easy, and reaching 10 years together is something we’re both proud of. Over these years, we’ve moved four times—one of those being a cross-country move—struggled with infertility, and were blessed with two beautiful babies. Even in the midst of these storms, we managed to smile, laugh, and support each other every step of the way. Here are 10 things that I believe helped us along the journey. I hope they resonate with you, and please feel free to share more gems in the comments below.

10 Gems from 10 Years Married

Learning Each Other’s Love Language: I wish we had learned this sooner. Once we figured it out, we had fewer arguments, disappointments, and frustrations. We only read the book a few years ago, and that’s when we discovered each other’s love language. The biggest takeaway is that you can spend years doing things that make you happy for your spouse, but if it’s not their love language, it may not matter to them. Sure, they may appreciate it, but it might not move them as much.
Sometimes You Have to Do Things You Don’t Want to Do for Your Spouse: Marriage means fully supporting the other person, and that often comes with sacrifices and compromises. These may not benefit you directly, but we do them out of love.
Your Spouse Can’t Make You Happy: If you enter a relationship expecting your partner to solve all your problems, you’re in for a rude awakening. We shouldn’t put pressure on our spouse to bring us joy or happiness. If they do, that’s a bonus. True happiness comes from being happy with yourself—when you can look in the mirror and love who you see. Many people go from one relationship to another, expecting someone else to bring them happiness, but that’s impossible. Find your inner peace and joy, and watch how you’ll radiate that joy to others.
Marriage Is Beautiful: It might sound cliché, but I truly believe it. Marriage is beautiful when you have a best friend in your spouse—someone to grow old with, to navigate life with, and someone you can trust.
Having Kids Will Change a Lot of Things: From your daily routines to your relationship dynamics, children bring a whole new dimension to life. But with the right partner, these changes can strengthen your marriage rather than strain it. You learn to work together as a team, supporting each other through sleepless nights, endless diaper changes, and the countless joys and challenges of parenting. Your bond deepens as you both grow in love and commitment, not just to each other, but to the family you’ve created. As the saying goes, ‘A cord of three strands is not easily broken.’ When you add children to the mix, that cord becomes even stronger, woven together with shared experiences, mutual respect, and unconditional love. The journey is far from easy, but with the right person by your side, it’s one that makes your marriage more resilient and rewarding.
Keep Family and Friends Out of Your Marriage: I’ve never spoken negatively about my husband to family or friends. First, he doesn’t give me any reason to gossip. Second, sharing negative things can tint their view of your spouse, even if you were just venting. This can cause more harm than good. I’m not saying you shouldn’t consult trusted family and friends about issues, but not every argument needs to be mentioned. It’s wise to have a few trusted confidants, but only when absolutely necessary. Ask God for discernment here. My rule of thumb is no more than two people for advice—my first is always my mom, and the second is either a sister or a very close friend, depending on the situation.
Go to God First About Everything: For every big decision, we consult with God first. After bringing it to God and asking for guidance, we then discuss it with our parents. We take our time making decisions, considering all possible scenarios, and weighing the pros and cons.
Open Communication: This was challenging during our first few years of marriage. We communicated differently, and sometimes not at all. Now, we’ve learned that communicating in relaxed settings, like during an evening walk, while hiking, or over dinner at a restaurant, goes much better. We also have regular check-ins during date nights and keep a vision board that we update every six months.
Your Sex Life Will Change During Different Phases of Marriage: We learned this on our own because it’s something no one talks about. I hope whoever reads this feels comfortable discussing it because it’s a normal and good part of marriage. As a mom of two who breastfed both babies for a year, I can attest to the body changes that happen during and after pregnancy—they’re very real and can affect your sex life. But please know that it’s just a season and things get better with time. We’re all different, so don’t compare your journey to others. My experiences were completely different with each baby—my sex drive decreased with one and increased with the other. Also, remember that men go through physical changes too, even if they’re not as visible. The best advice is to support each other during these changes, communicate openly, and be patient with yourselves and your marriage. The good news is, these things usually get better with time!
Your Marriage Is What YOU Make It: We invest a lot into material things, but our best investment should be in ourselves and our partner. Invest in taking care of your body, wellbeing, and mind. Keep learning and trying new things, make your home and attitude inviting. Your partner married you—maintain who you are and keep up with your appearance. Invest in your partner too. Go all out for them, notice the little things, make an effort to lift them up positively, spend time together, and let them know you believe in and fully support them. Don’t compare your relationship to others—water your own grass and watch it flourish. Your marriage is only as good as you believe it to be. Keep God close, attend church regularly together, and make prayer a daily part of your lives.